I’ve lived on this Earth for 31 years and I don’t know who I am. I am absolutely certain that I am a daughter of God but besides that it’s kind of a blur. I’ve always lived in a fog and because I’ve been forced to put my headlights on these last few months I’m slowly starting to see things. I’m slowly starting to learn who I am and who I want to be.
I invited some friends over to talk tonight. They came. They talked. I didn’t. It was fun! I really enjoyed them being here but I didn’t say much even though that’s the reason I invited them over. I had something specific I wanted to share. I felt it burning a hole in my chest and I needed to get it out yet when they were here I didn’t open my mouth. Maybe it was my social anxiety getting in the way but I didn’t feel the need to spill my guts anymore. I’d rather just listen and so that’s what I did.
You know those facebook live videos? I’ve been thinking about doing one. I decided to ‘practice’ to see if I would look good and sound good and if I would enjoy it. I centered my phone on my face and pushed record. I looked great but I couldn’t talk. I literally could not get any words out of my mouth. No one was in the room. No one was watching or listening. I knew I was just going to delete the video without showing anymore but still I couldn’t talk.
Talking isn’t my thing. I’m not a talker. I’m a writer.
I’ve been changing things about myself. When I come across something I don’t like I put in the work and change it. It’s not been easy but I’m seeing progress and it makes me proud. I like the person I am becoming.
In times of need I push my anxiety aside and get things done. I’ve made more phone calls these last few months than all the other phone calls I’ve made in my life combined. I can talk to people in person at banks and in offices without a second thought. I’ve been doing it. But this me not being a talker thing, besides when necessary, I don’t think I can change it even if I wanted to.
When I am with people I care more about them than I do about me. I want to hear what they have to say, I want to help them with any input I may have. People are great. They are nice and sweet and smart and I learn so much from them. I’m learning to enjoy social situations on occasion but I still don’t like it when the focus is on me. Talking out loud – making people listen to me – it’s not a part of who I am. I’m sure I could force it and eventually it would come natural but do I want to do that? How far do I take this self improvement thing?
I believe people are different on purpose. This is something that makes me different. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe I should just leave it be. We’ll see. Life is a journey and I’m realizing you never know where it will take you. You just have to hang on and try to enjoy the ride. For now I’ll enjoy being a writer.